Anyone informed that the universe is expanding and contracting in pulsations of eighty billion years has a right to ask, What's in it for me? - Peter De Vries In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. - Ellen DeGeneres Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams You wouldn't have a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. - Edward Flaherty Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all. - William Goldman What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive? - Irv Kupcinet He's a little too tall for his blood supply. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " - Bruce Baum I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. - Terry Pratchett Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. - Woody Allen One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, "Is it half full or half empty?" So I drank the water. No more problem. - Alexander Jodorowsky Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. - Mary Bly Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. - Douglas Adams Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. - Douglas Adams It is known that there is an infinite number of worlds, but that not every one is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so if every planet in the Universe has a population of zero then the entire population of the Universe must also be zero, and any people you may actually meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination. - Douglas Adams, The Original Hitchhiker Radio Script Louise: "How did you get here?" Johnny: "Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday." - From the movie Naked Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - Carl Zwanzig An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. - William Castle The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. - Nicholas Chamfort The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. - Woody Allen Buy land. They've stopped making it. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. 'My disorder? YOU are my disorder'. Murphy was an optimist. The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. - Brian Pickrell If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. - Carl Sagan On a condom vending machine: "This gum tastes like fucking rubber!" 'We the unwilling working for the ungrateful are doing the impossible. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing." I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." Please don't ask me to relax - it's only the tension that's holding me together. - Helen Murray I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I stand here before you to look behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about. Honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defense. It's easier to suffer in silence if you're positive someone's watching. The only sure way of reducing violence is to kill everybody. Madness takes its toll - please have exact change. A day without sunshine is like...........night. Oh, no! Not another learning experience! Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.... In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce...........? The cuckoo clock. - Orson Welles Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? - James Thurber It contains a misleading impression, not a lie. It was being economical with the truth. - Sir Robert Armstrong I love mankind - it's people I can't stand. - Charles Schultz There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. - Quentin Crisp Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. - Groucho Marx I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case. - Groucho Marx My shitty attitude is none of your fucking business Rehab is for quitters The liver is evil and needs to be punished I swear to drunk I'm not god I'm not an alcoholic (alcoholics go to meetings) It's not PMS - it's you God put me on this earth to accomplish certain tasks. At the rate I'm going I WILL LIVE FOREVER Everybody knows the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. - Woody Allen Psychiatry: the care of the id by the odd. - Anonymous I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. This `telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Western Union internal memo, 1876 The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? - Anonymous associates of David Sarnoff's in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? - H. M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers film studios, 1927 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - His reply "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" - Socrates minutes before death Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just doesn't care. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding. Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions - Woody Allen Shaw: I am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one. Churchill: Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one. - Letters sent between Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N) "I am logged in, therefore I am." The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL? Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population - David Letterman My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: Wish you were here. - Steven Wright Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. It is bad luck to be superstitious. When I walk backwards, it feels like I'm helping everyone else move forward faster. It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. - Ashleigh Brilliant After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'. - Larry Brown My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. - Franklin P. Jones Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are. The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, kill it! Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart drivers who blow horns to break up traffic jams. The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. I hear voices......and they don't like you THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE* *plus shipping and handling The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it. - George Bernard Shaw I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work. - Thomas Alva Edison Life is one big nap, interrupted by occasional periods of consciousness The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level I'm really quite busy Never knock on heaven's door ..........................ring the bell then run (he hates that) You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me Damn right I'm GOOD IN BED I can sleep for days I have PMS and a gun. Any questions? Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes, and it's like, a serious bummer! "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher." - Ambrose Bierce "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." - Carl Gustav Jung To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home. What a frustrating day. I put three dollars in the change machine this morning and I'm still me! My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless. "I have so many problems, I don't know where to start", the patient told his psychiatrist. "I recommend you start at the beginning", the shrink replied. "Ok", said the patient. "In the beginning, I created earth". For sale: "motivation tapes - some never used" I passed a man in the street who was reaching into the passenger side door of his Mercedes Benz. Sitting behind the wheel on the driver's side was a large golden retriever. "I suppose you let him do all the driving," I quipped. "are you kidding," he replied. "not since he wrecked the Porsche." There's no place like www.home.com.au Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? Is it time for your medication or mine? I plead contemporary insanity. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Better living through denial. Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 20 years If I throw a stick, will you leave? It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. Adults are just kids who owe money. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. Do I look like a freakin' people person? Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it three or four times a day. Sometimes I know that there is intelligent life on other planets because they haven't tried to contact us. Everybody has a photographic memory. . . . Some don't have film. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Neurotics build castles in the sky, Psychotics live in castles in the sky, And psychiatrists collect the rent. ERROR 096: Missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]? I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere. There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. Dogs have Masters. Cats have staff. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 640K ought to be enough for anybody (circa '81) - Bill Gates For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your ass. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players (i.e., everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. - Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea. - Douglas Adams
